So many times in my life, I feel far from priceless. This isn't just an overall feeling, but even day to day. I mess up, I say things I wish I wouldn't have said, I overreact, and the list goes on. Among all these little daily things though, there's been that one big thing that has made me question my worth for years, and that was my rape. Something I had valued was suddenly gone. A barely 17 year old girl who had believed she should save herself for marriage felt worthless. A shame began to fill my heart without me even realizing it. Sadness, anger, disgust, pain, resentment, fear...it all took away from self worth. Not out loud to others, but in my own head, I put myself down. My actions in the immediate after math of my rape demonstrated what I was feeling on the inside, but I did a good job of pretending I was fine. In my mind though, I looked back on that night with so much regret and sadness that the guilt I carry often felt overwhelmingly painful and diminished the value I placed on myself. There is this voice inside that reminds me of what happened. It whispers to me in my darkest moments. It's in my flashbacks, my bad dreams, my inner most thoughts. It quietly eats away at me sometimes.
Greater though than all those voices is THE voice of TRUTH. When I allow Him into my heart and seek Him, He tells me the exact opposite. He's always been there, right by my side, just waiting for me to let Him in. A sexual assault will never define me. It does not determine my self worth or my value. I will not give it that power. I can't do it on my own though. I don't have that strength. I have tried, trust me, and it's just not there. I struggled to turn this big thing in my life over to God, because for me, as silly as it sounds, it meant telling Him about it. Of course I know that he knows, but I've had my moments of being too angry with him (I'll have to write about that soon), too shameful to pray about it, too painful to address, so I don't. I have buried it and ignored it, and pretended it away, but it never works for long. I'm still not 100% there to be totally honest. It's something I am working on consistently. I have come so so far though, and released a burden that I know is not mine to carry. Doing so has brought a joy to my heart that was missing and a sense of peace that is hard to even put into words. Opening my heart to His comfort, His love, and His value in me these past few months has been absolutely amazing, and something I look forward to sharing with others more and more. I believe it is my purpose through all this pain.
A couple years ago, I was introduced to the song "Priceless" by King and Country, and even more specifically the movie. If you haven't seen or heard either, I highly recommend them both. These brothers have turned the term "priceless" into an entire movement really. Just to summarize it briefly,
"The Priceless Movement has been a snowballing part of for KING & COUNTRY over the past few years. Starting with the release of their Priceless necklaces and Respect & Honor bracelets, Joel and Luke wear the jewelry at every show and talk about how these pieces represent the respect and honor that women should be treated with. The necklace is a real Australian penny hanging from a simple chain that was designed to remind every woman she is worth more than all the money in the world. She is priceless. They want to remind men and women of this, not only for treatment in relationships, but to bring attention to the human trafficking that is going on all over the world."
I wear my Priceless necklace almost daily.
The song really touches my heart, and I imagine speaks to so many women around the world for a variety of reasons. There are many videos of this song, but this is one of my very favorites because it's just simple and pure, and also at the beginning Joel explains the meaning behind the song/movement.
These lyrics are everything to me, and they bring me closer to God's word and remind me of my value in him.
Mirror, mirror, mirror on the wall
Tellin' those lies, pointing out your flaws
That isn't who you are
That isn't who you are
It might be hard to hear
But let me tell you, dear
If you could see what I can see, I know you would believe
That isn't who you are
There's more to who you are
So when it's late
You're wide awake
Too much to take
Don't you dare forget that in the pain
You can be brave
Hear me say
I see you dressed in white
Every wrong made right
I see a rose in bloom
At the sight of you
Oh, so priceless
Irreplaceable, unmistakable, incomparable
Darling, it's beautiful
I see it all in you
Oh, so priceless
No matter what you've heard
This is what you're worth
More than all the money or the diamonds and pearls
Oh, this is who you are
Yeah, this is who you are
Tellin' those lies, pointing out your flaws
That isn't who you are
That isn't who you are
It might be hard to hear
But let me tell you, dear
If you could see what I can see, I know you would believe
That isn't who you are
There's more to who you are
So when it's late
You're wide awake
Too much to take
Don't you dare forget that in the pain
You can be brave
Hear me say
I see you dressed in white
Every wrong made right
I see a rose in bloom
At the sight of you
Oh, so priceless
Irreplaceable, unmistakable, incomparable
Darling, it's beautiful
I see it all in you
Oh, so priceless
No matter what you've heard
This is what you're worth
More than all the money or the diamonds and pearls
Oh, this is who you are
Yeah, this is who you are
Shortly after I turned 39 a few months ago, I made a decision to make some changes in my life and begin taking better care of myself spiritually, mentally and physically. It's a bit of a personal journey I feel that I am on this year to really experience personal growth in ways that I have been holding back for quite some time. Although I am sure this journey won't feel complete by the time I turn 40, my goal is to have made significant progress and feel in a much better place overall than on the day I turned 39. This is where the title of my blog came from. :) I feel like these areas are all related, and in facing my fears I decided to get a tattoo that would be special, powerful, and meaningful of this journey. I quickly decided to incorporate the term priceless while reaffirming my faith and trust in Jesus. This tattoo was strictly for me. It's pretty unlike me honestly, but something I have been wanting to signify for years, and just too scared to do it. Checked this one off though, and no looking back.
