Dear 17 Year-Old Girl

That April evening of 1996, I put myself in a poor situation.  It certainly wasn't the first time I was in a  vulnerable circumstance, but being a carefree teenager, I wasn't exactly really thinking my decisions through, and this particular evening I had pushed it to the max. I was starting to regret my choices.  I knew I was in over my head, I was feeling scared, and I called on someone who I thought would be a safer bet. For now, I will skip over how exactly it all played out, and jump to the fact that he did not prove to be a safer bet.  Here's the thing though...  I liked this guy, and I'd even say I had a crush on this guy. I kind of looked at him as my rescuer that evening.  I was flattered that he came when I called.  The night went all wrong though, and even though I have anger and blame and sadness and almost every difficult emotion that I can think to name that is directed at him and dare I even say God (working on that one daily), soooo much of it all comes back to me.  Me.  So much guilt, so much blame, so much shame, and ultimately so much disappointment.  No matter how many times someone tells me that nothing gives a person the right to rape you, I just struggle to truly get it through my thick skull.  I'm stubborn like that I guess. 

So the therapist I am seeing, who is pretty dang awesome, seems to see my biggest hang up as forgiving myself and letting go of this blame I place on myself.  She knows I enjoy writing, so she suggested I work on writing myself a letter of forgiveness.  I think she first suggested this around five weeks ago.  When I went back to meet with her  the first time after she'd suggested it, I hadn't done it.  She really encouraged me to do it again this last time, and I know when I see her in just a couple days she will ask if I have done this. I can't fail at this. Truth is, I've thought about doing it.  I've thought about it every single day, multiple times a day, but the task seems so daunting. I open my computer or pick up a pen, and I just don't know where to begin.  I know I'm hard on myself.  I'll always be my toughest critic.  Forgiving myself though seems like an incredible hurdle to overcome, so my prayer is that if I say it and read it to myself enough, it will eventually sink in, and I will feel it and believe it. 

So here it goes....

Dear 17 year-old Keli,

I see you, I feel your worry, and I forgive you for the poor choices you made during that time in your life.  I recognize that you were a kid, just barely even 17, and although you felt totally invincible, you were not. I will constantly remind you to look back on this through the lens of a 17 year old girl and not a grown woman. I forgive you for lying to your parents.  I forgive you for being under the influence.  I forgive you for calling the guy and being so dang naive.  I forgive you for following his lead.  I forgive you for reluctantly agreeing with him at first rather than standing firm.  I forgive your body for not being strong enough to fight him off.  I forgive your voice for not crying louder.  I forgive you for closing your eyes to this in the days that followed and not telling a soul.  Let go of your blame, let go of your shame.  You are free from that emotional pain when you release yourself from it and hand it over to God.  He has taken that all on for you if you will only let Him.  Please let go, and let Him.  You are Priceless.

Love,

39 year-old  Keli

In writing tonight, I couldn't help but think of the worship song by Mercy Me called Dear Younger Me.  There are so many songs that really speak to me in this journey, and that is certainly one of them.  My favorite lyrics of this song...

Dear younger me
It’s not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross
Dear younger me

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

Every mountain every valley
Thru each heartache you will see
Every moment brings you closer
To who you were meant to be
Dear younger me, dear younger me