Fear

You know that saying that goes "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself?"  I'm not a big fan of that saying.  I mean what does it mean exactly anyways?  A little fear is healthy, right?  I mean, I want my kids to fear touching the hot stove or running out into the street.  I want them to fear a stranger who pulls up and offers them a ride.   Our parents help teach us those fears, and those kind of fears help protect us and keep us safe at times.

This year has been about me trying to face some of my fears.... most of them are fears that have nothing to do with my safety and everything to do with me just worrying too much or having self doubt.  I've wanted to try paddle boarding for years, but was fearful I'd just fall off the entire time and never be able to do it.  Finally made myself do it; LOVED it!  Getting a tattoo I was so scared of regretting it or it hurting too bad, but doing it has been a beautiful reminder of my worth in God.  I've wanted to dance again for years, but have been fearful of what an idiot I'd make of myself.  Tried it.  Probably did make an idiot of myself, but who cares...loved it, and am continuing to do it.  I'm tired of talking myself out of things before even giving myself a chance.  Those fears are silly, and tackling them feels amazing and empowering, and constantly reminds me of one of my very favorite bible verses, "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."  Another big fear that wasn't quite as light hearted, was finally talking to someone about my assault...for over 20 years I couldn't even force myself to say the word rape out loud. Writing/blogging about it certainly sounded crazy.  I mean I didn't even want anyone to know, much less starting to open up about the whole process...no thank you.  Going and talking to someone about it surely was high on my list of fears if not right at the very top.  I knew it was time though, and doing it has not been easy (it takes a pep talk and lots of prayer sometimes to just get out of the car),  but it has been life-changing, and I know it will continue to be.  I have grown in my faith, my self confidence, and made connections with other people who have also experienced similar things and have reached out to me in confidence after reading about my experience. 

This past week I've been experiencing some triggers that have really made me feel full of fear and anxiousness.  No need to go into all the detail, but it kind of hit me out of nowhere it felt like, and I have been hating the way it makes me feel.  The easiest way for me to really be in tune with how much something is affecting me is through my sleep.  When I can't sleep well, have night mares, experience flash backs, or just feel in such a state of fear, I know it's more than just a passing emotion.  It's one of my first times experiencing this intense of a trigger, or at least recognizing it, and I don't like the way it makes me feel weak and not in control.  I'm leaving for a trip tomorrow though and wanted to feel in a better place mentally and spiritually and was determined to try to do so.  Amidst working today and packing tonight, I've been listening to a favorite few songs over and over.  Music speaks to my soul so deeply!  I also received some wonderful bible verses and prayer to encourage me that have really touched me and brought a better sense of peace and confidence.  For me, there really is nothing like the word of God that can have such an impact on me, and I long for everyone I know and love to be able to experience that at some point in their lives.  It certainly doesn't make everything sunshine and rainbows.  I'm still feeling uneasy and sitting here awake writing when I know my alarm will be going off in three hours, but it's the best way I know to deal with it though.  So there you have it...my weakness, my heart, and my reminder that sometimes, Fear is a Liar...

One Little Step at a Time

It's been quite awhile since I sat down to write.  A new chapter began in my life, and although I am absolutely loving my new job as a full-time 3rd grade teacher, it has resulted in a big shift in managing my time, and most specifically finding time for anything that revolves around "me time", like  this blog.  Most often when I find a few minutes for myself, it involves taking a quick nap or catching up with a family member or friend.  I'm working on achieving a better balance with this, but as I know from past experiences, the beginning of the school year is always extremely busy, and I'm hopeful that I'm approaching a calmer and more balanced pattern very soon! 

As with most things in life though, I've learned that it's not a sprint, but yet it's a slow and steady pace.  I was reminded of that this morning while teaching the bible lesson to a group of four year olds.  Funny how God's sense of humor strikes like that.  ;)  The story was about Sarah and Abraham and how badly they wanted a family, and how much they believed in God's promise that they one day would have that family.  If you know the story, you know that they did indeed have their promised family one day...but our idea of how soon that family would take place, as well as Sarah and Abraham's idea I'm sure, was much different than God's plan.  His promise was absolutely fulfilled, but much patience and trusting in God took place in waiting for this promise.  The five years of infertility that Mat and I experienced feel like a speck of sand compared to Sarah and Abraham's wait, that's for sure!!!  The point though is that I was brought back to God's promise that I have felt in my life lately of healing this pain and fear in my heart...it's not a one stop shop.  It's not a quick cure, or a one prayer and I'm good to go.  It's my "thing" (we all have a "thing", right?!?) that I will most likely struggle with as a weakness, a heartache that I will continually seek Him through.  But that's okay, and I'm learning that I don't have to be "fixed" or perfect or strong all the time, because I'm making progress, and I'm overcoming my fears one step at a time, on my terms and through His strength, and this journey is hard and emotional and beautiful all at the same time, but there is no time frame for which it must be completed. 

In April or May, or whenever it was around that time frame that I first sought spiritual guidance and prayer in this area, my pastor recommended a resource to me.  It's a book and workbook called Healing the Wounded Heart.  I started reading it immediately and it was a perfect fit for me in many aspects.  I highly recommend it for anyone dealing with heartache around a wide array of sexual assault or abuse issues.  As I eagerly dove in though looking for encouragement and healing, I quickly realized this was going to take some work.  This was no quick fix.  You'd think I would have figured that out knowing that it was 20 years later that I'm actually facing this head on, but hey...I'm a slow learner, I guess.  As I began reading the first section I was was warned through the book to go slow, operate with no timetable, set aside time to write about the experience, and process it in short increments rather than intense bursts. The author, Dan Allender, even prepares you to experience nausea, fitful sleep (too late for that Mr. Allender), etc....the point was GO SLOW.  This really spoke to me because my most significant attempt at healing in the past and been more of an intense burst. I was ready to finally "get it over with."  It was extremely emotional in almost an overwhelming way, I dedicated a decent amount of time to it, felt I made some significant progress, but then within a few months afterwards I found myself back with a lot of the same doubts and fears.  Maybe I hadn't dealt with quite as much as I thought I had.  So in preparing for this journey, the book suggested an essential support system (therapist, spouse, church, friends), short increments that can be sustained, and a commitment to go longer and farther than seems possible or desirable.  In doing so though, I read to expect a life-giving, freeing and empowering journey, and that's exactly what I feel like I've been experiencing. 

Five months later, and I am still working through this book and workbook, and in all honesty it will probably be a couple more months until I complete it.  I read something though just recently that I felt could resonate with so many people in a variety of communities as we embrace each other and all of our imperfections...."This process is not going to be finished by one prayer, confession or renewal of the Spirit.  It comes when the war is truly faced and fought.  When the enemy is clearer and the bondage is named with appropriate grief and desire for liberation, the Spirit of the Holy God can take broken and courageous survivors of sexual abuse on the journey of their lives."  Whether your story is anything like mine, or something completely different, I am telling you what a liberating journey it is when you finally let down your guard and let God really enter your heart.  No timetable.  No agenda.  Just let Him in.