Silent All These Years

I never imagined I'd be discussing Grey's Anatomy here.  There's all of about three shows that I enjoy watching regularly, but my Grey's is #1.  Okay, maybe it's a toss up with This Is Us, but I mean, I kind of consider it one of my guilty pleasures keeping up with 15 seasons in a row of this show.  That's dedication!   I tend to think of it more like lunchroom talk with colleagues or gabbing with a girlfriend discussing the latest McWhatever doctor!  Last night took me by total surprise.  I had seen some vague posting on Facebook that made me realize it was going to be some type of trauma related event, but I certainly had no idea what all it entailed.  Grey's took it to a whole new level with one of their most serious episodes I can ever recall.  Season 15 Episode 19 (in case you'd like to watch it for yourself) was titled "Silent All These Years."

As the show started, they gave a disclaimer about it pertaining to sexual assault and Mat commented, "Are you sure you should watch this?" But, oh I am soooo glad I did.  I can't imagine how difficult it must be to write a script around rape and then act it out well enough to do it justice, but on all accounts I thought this "Silent All These Years" episode was SO well done!  From the writing, to the acting, to the statement made for survivors everywhere, it was so needed.  Somewhere, somehow in the media, sexual assault survivors need to hear that they are believed, they can respond as they choose, and they are supported in their decision.  If you're interested, read  more about what sparked this episode.

And to top it all off, the discussion between father and son on what consent is and why it's important was the icing on the cake.  I'm so glad to see it portrayed in an easy going yet serious conversation, with a smile on the dad's face, but just telling it like it is.  Our kids need to hear this, and kudos for this portrayal. Seriously, if you can't/don't want to watch the episode, at least watch this part (the last segment).  This is a conversation that needs to be had and not just assumed that our sons and daughters will know better.

 I'm truly not trying to sit on a high horse of feminism.  I don't think that's me at all, and I hope that I don't come off that way, but I could so identify with the birth mother as she was telling Jo a bit of her story, and where it totally went from consensual to non-consensual and what a powerful and heartbreaking experience that forever changed her life. These were her words...

"I actually had to work to calling it rape, to begin with, because I did say yes to the that date, and I did say yes to getting in that car. Someone, somewhere along the way, a man most likely decided they wanted to qualify this word rape be it "date rape," acquaintance rape, somehow it isn't as real unless it happens to a woman running through the park at night or walking down a dark alley. Somehow because I knew him what he took from me didn't matter, but it did. I found a way to hear that; I found a way to believe that, and I found a way to move forward."

I'm far from a character in a TV show, and thankfully I wasn't faced with the horrible decision of how to handle a pregnancy post-assault, but I also wasn't the woman in the ER either who had been so horribly brutalized.  Also, I wasn't a girl in a dark alley attacked by some stranger, like I naively always thought was what it meant to be a rape victim.  And I am choosing not to focus on all the horrible things I thought about myself or what I deserved, and if anyone would believe me, but I am rather choosing to celebrate what I have since learned.  What I know now, and I soooo want to make sure other young women know, as well as my son's eventually too, is that your voice is your power.  Just because someone may have the power to silent you temporarily, doesn't mean they have it forever.  I've worked at it so hard, and especially in this last year, but I too have found a way to move forward.  It's taken me way longer than I wish, but I am here now, and I am so Priceless in the Lord's eyes, in my husband's, and most importantly....day by day, even in mine.  Whether it's with my voice, with my writing, through prayer, or all of the above, it's one step at a time.  

Less Than 3 Weeks

40 is done slowly creeping up, and it's more like running right towards me.  Less than 3 weeks to be exact!  Progress?  Yes.  Meeting my goal by then?  Nope.  A sweet friend spoke words recently that resonated with me...it's not a finish line, it's constant work and self-improvement.  She is so right, and I am reminding myself of that daily, if not multiple times a day, lately.  I'm not where I wanted to be by 40, but I am soooo much closer.  And will I ever really be exactly where I want to be?  Will I ever really feel like I have it all together?  I seriously highly doubt it...and perhaps if I did, that would be a problem. Don't ya think?  This I know for sure though...some days I am so proud of myself.  Some days I feel like I am kickin' butt, am strong, am eating right, taking care of my body, having my time with God, and all while loving myself.  But some days, I just don't.  Some days I get so disappointed in myself for not exercising, being too tired to make that nice meal I wanted to prepare for my family, for falling asleep in the midst of trying to pray, for not putting God first, for not reaching out to a friend or family member.... but I am in the midst of all those great days, bad days, and just okay days realizing that each one of them hold a special purpose.  Some days I will feel strong.  Some days I will feel weak.  And some days I will just just skim by keeping the faith and putting one foot in front of another.  I think surely we must all have those days.  Sometimes it's just about trusting, and for me I trust in God.  I trust in my faith and in His power.  I can't see it, but I can feel it, and in my lowest of lows is often when I turn to Him the most.  In my highest of highs is when I often give Him the most thanks.  And in all those in between days, I know He loves me regardless.  I am so thankful that he never turns his back on me, even when I have turned mine on him. 

I strongly believe our heartaches are used for good somehow.  I saw that firsthand through our journey with infertility, and I believe it through this circumstance as well.  I struggle to know how or when, but I have faith that it will happen, and when it does it will all finally become clear.  I have no idea if I am truly meant to speak out about my assault.  Those that know me well know that I hate public speaking!  The thought of getting up and speaking about one of the most painful moments in my life sounds crazy...but yet, I keep feeling a nudge. I know the moment I heard a woman speak about her own experience with date rape was the first moment it clicked for me, and slowly but surely the wheels were set in motion. If I could possibly be that voice someone else needs to hear, then my own insecurities about public speaking seem so ridiculous.  I don't know exactly when, how or even IF it's truly meant to be, but after some prayerful consideration, today I just submitted an application to the RAINN National Speaker's Bureau.  It will be awhile before I find out if anything comes from this, and if so, what the next steps will be, but here's one more faithful step in this crazy journey of healing, and for that I shall give thanks.