Less Than 3 Weeks

40 is done slowly creeping up, and it's more like running right towards me.  Less than 3 weeks to be exact!  Progress?  Yes.  Meeting my goal by then?  Nope.  A sweet friend spoke words recently that resonated with me...it's not a finish line, it's constant work and self-improvement.  She is so right, and I am reminding myself of that daily, if not multiple times a day, lately.  I'm not where I wanted to be by 40, but I am soooo much closer.  And will I ever really be exactly where I want to be?  Will I ever really feel like I have it all together?  I seriously highly doubt it...and perhaps if I did, that would be a problem. Don't ya think?  This I know for sure though...some days I am so proud of myself.  Some days I feel like I am kickin' butt, am strong, am eating right, taking care of my body, having my time with God, and all while loving myself.  But some days, I just don't.  Some days I get so disappointed in myself for not exercising, being too tired to make that nice meal I wanted to prepare for my family, for falling asleep in the midst of trying to pray, for not putting God first, for not reaching out to a friend or family member.... but I am in the midst of all those great days, bad days, and just okay days realizing that each one of them hold a special purpose.  Some days I will feel strong.  Some days I will feel weak.  And some days I will just just skim by keeping the faith and putting one foot in front of another.  I think surely we must all have those days.  Sometimes it's just about trusting, and for me I trust in God.  I trust in my faith and in His power.  I can't see it, but I can feel it, and in my lowest of lows is often when I turn to Him the most.  In my highest of highs is when I often give Him the most thanks.  And in all those in between days, I know He loves me regardless.  I am so thankful that he never turns his back on me, even when I have turned mine on him. 

I strongly believe our heartaches are used for good somehow.  I saw that firsthand through our journey with infertility, and I believe it through this circumstance as well.  I struggle to know how or when, but I have faith that it will happen, and when it does it will all finally become clear.  I have no idea if I am truly meant to speak out about my assault.  Those that know me well know that I hate public speaking!  The thought of getting up and speaking about one of the most painful moments in my life sounds crazy...but yet, I keep feeling a nudge. I know the moment I heard a woman speak about her own experience with date rape was the first moment it clicked for me, and slowly but surely the wheels were set in motion. If I could possibly be that voice someone else needs to hear, then my own insecurities about public speaking seem so ridiculous.  I don't know exactly when, how or even IF it's truly meant to be, but after some prayerful consideration, today I just submitted an application to the RAINN National Speaker's Bureau.  It will be awhile before I find out if anything comes from this, and if so, what the next steps will be, but here's one more faithful step in this crazy journey of healing, and for that I shall give thanks.