Hidden

Welcoming in 2019, it felt like I was due to write a little bit.  It's been a wonderful Christmas break this season, and I'm wrapping up the final weekend before heading back to work.  As much as I've enjoyed the lazy mornings, lots of family and friend time, a plethora of hot baths, reading, walks, and sunshine, I'm kind of craving the routine of school as well as seeing my student's faces and hearing about their adventures over the break as well! 

When I began writing this blog, the title came easily to me.  I had a clear goal in mind and knew that I wanted to feel and believe that I was truly priceless by the time I reached 40.  That included a wide variety of things like facing some fears, getting healthier, embracing my true self, and seeking a stronger relationship with God.  It meant claiming my brokenness, and using it to dive deep into self forgiveness and strengthening my relationship with God. I've done better in some areas than in others, and the hardest thing for me is to be moving forward in all areas at the same time. Overall, I've made some great progress towards my goal, but the last month or so I have really slacked off.  Of course, like with all things, the New Year serves as a reminder of new beginnings, and it's time for me to step it up in working towards this goal as my 40th birthday is creeping up in just a little over 12 weeks. 

In the midst of my holiday relaxation, and dare I say pure laziness, I have been doing quite a bit of reading.  It's probably no coincidence that the couple books I was focused on over the break were Discerning the Voice of God, It's Not Supposed to Be This Way, and even an article I'd saved and wanted to really look over closely called, "When God Calls You Out of Hiding."  Well dang, even I didn't really realize it at the get-go, but there is sure a common theme there directly related to my current feelings.  I'm not 100% done with reading all 3 of these, but man they've been hitting me hard! I've felt such a longing these last couple of years to really feel God's presence in all of this....for him to speak to me through my pain and utilize it for His good.  I want to feel like something wonderful comes from this, and I just want to feel his nudge towards what that is.  I've felt like I'm waiting and waiting.  In my reading and self reflection though, I'm realizing just how much He has been nudging me.  He's been speaking to me through my circumstances, through the situations presented to me, and to the people he's placed in my life that have brought spiritual counsel, guidance, and leading me towards the realizations that they knew I had to discover on my own.  It's Him all around me, and my eyes just hadn't been open enough to see it.  Kind of like I've kept this piece of me hidden for so long, I've kept His role in my journey hidden as well.  He's been there the whole time though.  It's me who has been doing the hiding.  He's the patient one with me. 

I am also learning that this is my weakness.  This is my brokenness. It is what it is, and we all have that "thing."  No amount of therapy will take that pain away altogether.  It's okay though, I think, as long as it doesn't cripple me or hinder me from enjoying my life. Brokenness doesn't mean destroyed.  Weakness doesn't mean there isn't also strength. We all have some brokenness, and this is one big part of mine. 

I won't forget the fear.  I'll never completely let go of the shame.  I'll never 100% stop doubting my choices that night and what it lead to no matter how many people tell me it wasn't my fault.  I won't forget the sore bruises down my neck and back.  I won't forget all the blood. It's stained in my memory. I won't forget my muffled cries under the pressure of his hand over my mouth.  I won't totally forgive myself for first agreeing and then changing my mind.  I won't forget the coldness. Shivering cold. I won't forget the weight of another body making it feel hard for me to breathe.  It's okay, and it's not okay all at the same time.  It's not okay that this happened and continues to happen to soooo many people all the damn time.  It's okay though that this is my piece of brokenness.  This is my weakness that brings me to knees or leaves me in a heap of anxiety and tears every now and then.  It's no worse than your brokenness or your fear.  It's just mine, and I'm done hiding it.  God is helping me face it, and he's aligning all the resources with amazing people, books, opportunities for me to embrace it, give into the pain, and seek Him through the healing. Finally, this is my time.  No more hiding it.  Will I ever truly be "healed"?  I don't know.  That sounds pretty far off right now, but I know that stepping out from hiding feels pretty empowering, and I hope that in 12 more weeks, my Pricelessness  (pretty sure that's not a real word, but we're going with it) is something I am even more confident in as I step into my forties!

xoxo