Scars

Typically a scar is visible for most to see.  A scar shows where an injury or wound once was that wasn't able to fully heal to the original state.  As a child I developed a couple scars on various body parts after receiving stitches.  I was a little girl though and could have cared less about those scars, and was more concerned about healing, so I could get back out and play!  Later in elementary school, I was in an accident that left a lot of scar tissue on my upper lip.  I had the option of having plastic surgery to try to correct it, but I wanted nothing to do with it.  The scar was something I was asked about here or there (and still am) throughout my adolescence, maybe teased just a couple times, but it was never anything I was overly self-conscious about.  Then, into adult hood I accumulated several scars on my abdomen.  Between three c-sections and a few laparoscopic surgeries, the reminder of those procedures were there, but they weren't in a place many would see.  I didn't give too much thought to them.  Then, last year, when the biopsy from my upper arm came back as melanoma, my heart sank.  After the initial scary part of it had worn off, it was the scar I knew that I would have that began to weigh on my mind.  As it was described to me, it would be a pretty significant scar that would always be quite noticeable.  Sure, it wasn't smack dab on the middle of my face, so it could have certainly been worse, but as a girl living in FL, my arms are exposed quite often, and I cringed at the thought of a big red scar on my upper arm.  I convinced myself that I would swear off all tops that exposed my upper arms.  It didn't take long though to realize that was a crazy thought.  It's too dang hot in FL to keep my arms covered up all the time, and I also figured it meant about half my wardrobe was off limits, so I decided to just embrace it.  And guess what?  I wore sleeveless tops, answered peoples questions about it, and got over it.  Do I think about it?  Occasionally.   Am I self conscious about it?  Moderately.  Is it a reminder of something I overcame?  Absolutely!  I now think it's pretty ridiculous that I ever even thought about trying to cover it up for good. 

So, it got me to thinking.... for every scar on the outside that you can see, there are far more on the inside that you can't.  And aren't we all  probably like that for the most part?  Life is hard and messy and painful, and despite all the beauty and laughter and love that it brings, it also brings a lot of hurt.  That hurt causes scars, and many times we keep those scars buried.  But what if we were less concerned about covering them up or camouflaging them, and just embraced them for what they were?  What if we used them as a tool to bring about good, strengthen our relationships, remind ourselves of all we've overcome, and maybe even help someone else along the way? By far my biggest scar that I have kept hidden has been my rape.  That scar stayed hidden for over 20 years. Doing so served a purpose at various stages in my life I suppose.  I'll struggle with some regrets that I have about that for many years to come, I imagine.  One thing I do know though with certainty is that in these last few years of beginning to expose that scar, I have experienced a new peace and self-worth that I hadn't felt in a long time.  That's not to say it's easy, or pain free, or perfect by an stretch of the imagination.  In fact, it's been quite hard and emotional. But when I stopped worrying about covering the scar up and just began to show it, it lead to a lot of positive outcomes, and I know there are even more on the horizon. 

In the overall scheme of things, this scar on my arm is quite minor, but it I'm pretty sure it had a significant purpose in helping me embrace an inner scar that I also needed to stop hiding.  xoxo