Another Step

Small disclaimer:  please know that I only share this with a very small fraction of my FB "friends"....I am able to edit who sees my post, and have chosen to share with those closest to me in my life who I know don't pass judgement on me.  To go from telling no one to opening up to 150 people is HUGE for me, but it's an intimate and personal topic that I'm not ready to blast out there to just anyone, my professional circle, etc.  My ultimate goal is that others will know they are not alone and we may perhaps draw on each other for strength and comfort and share God's goodness in our lives.....


Just a few years ago, I never would have imagined myself sitting on a comfy couch in a therapist's office.  The thought of it alone sounded so foreign and uncomfortable.  It's never something I had felt like I "needed", although really deep down I knew it would be so beneficial.  Pushing forward, stuffing my memories and feelings down, or just trying to get through the waves when they'd come flooding back, and then carry on as normal seemed to be working okay for me I thought, so why take the time and money to put towards talking about something that felt so painful and shameful? 

But then I did.  Truly, it was all about fear.  Fear of saying out loud to someone what had happened to me.  Fear of being judged.  Fear of opening up wounds.  Fear of what others would think about me for even seeing a counselor.  Fear of the unknown.  To say I was nervous would be an understatement.  Overcoming that initial fear and scheduling that first appointment was a game changer though.  It was one of the hardest but most empowering things I have experienced.  So worth it!

 To quickly summarize, I've sought counsel at a few different places over the last couple years including a women's shelter, my church, and a recommended private practice.  Each have been so beneficial in their own way.  Most recently, I'd been regularly seeing a therapist in private practice and really felt like I was making so much progress, gaining perspective, drawing closer to God, etc.,  and of course like with most things, when you feel like you're in a better place, you stop working so hard at staying there.  I wasn't talking to God about it as much anymore, stopped writing (my outlet), and really in all honesty just got so busy with transitioning to working a full time job, keeping up with my kids and just life in general, that I didn't prioritize it as much as I had been. 

And just when I was skimming by, there comes the media.  That in my face reminder that I just can't ignore how incredibly raw and painful a trauma from over 20 years ago can still make me feel absolutely hopeless and alone.  It's not so much about my particular assault though as it's about how sexual assault is perceived.  And the particular trigger for me in this instance was that a woman who claimed she was assaulted was ridiculed and looked down upon because it took her so long to speak up.  Yes, I know there is sooo much more to this.  Please don't think I don't realize that.  I'm not here to argue if Ms. Ford was telling the truth or not, because I will never be privy to that information and won't pretend to have the ultimate truth.  I don't even want to talk about that at all.  What took my breath away though was to hear and read people ridicule and mock her over something I could so clearly see myself in.  And then, in my mind, it did become about me.  Like Ford, I didn't report anything.  Like Ford, I didn't tell anyone for a very long time.  Like her, I avoided seeking therapy for many years.  Like her, I can't remember so many details of the night, in particular who drove me home the next day.  My own insecurities over all of that are enough to deal with and one of the biggest things that I have come to recognize with much better perspective through counseling, but when I overheard a clip of the President of our country mocking a woman who couldn't remember "how she got home" and then I heard the crowd cheering and applauding, it was devastating.  Loneliness is the only word I know to sum it up.  Something that wasn't about me felt like it was all about me, and I wanted to crawl in a hole and avoid it all.  That fear was back.  The loneliness felt so heavy.  If people really knew my story would they say the exact same things about me?

So there I was just kind of sitting in that, and in the midst of it, it feels too painful to seek out help.  You know you need to talk to someone, but for me, I'm just not good at reaching out when I really feel in despair.  As the fog lifted though, I recognized the importance of trying to talk through these feelings with a professional.  Unfortunately, it became apparent though that I was no longer going to be able to see my therapist now that I was no longer on summer break.  She was amazing but stops seeing people by 1PM, and that didn't work for my schedule.  I reached out to a couple other options and they just weren't panning out as well, so I put it off a bit and kept pushing through, and the loneliness was heavy. 

And then when I let him, God pushed his way into my heart, like only He can.  His gentle reminder that he's always there.   It's the comfort that is unexplained with my words.  That reminder that He knows my story, that he is working out all the beautiful details to come from my story, and that I can rest in Him.   And to make a long story just a tad bit shorter, in those details it was arranged to share my heart with our caring pastor once again, and also my former therapist reached back out to me with someone she thought would be a good match for me and whose schedule could accommodate mine.

This is good news! So why I am here up late writing?  Because I meet with her in the morning for the first time, and my anxiety it kicked in to full throttle this afternoon.  Something I know is healthy, good, and will most likely have a great end result still makes me feel so dang nervous.  I'm reminded of that fear.  That fear that I know is silly, but is so prevalent.  It's the way that Satan inches his way in by whispering all those doubts that take over and keep me from reaching out.  I won't give in though.  I will take another step, take some deep breaths, and conquer this tiny hurdle remembering that He's got my back through it all.