Fear

You know that saying that goes "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself?"  I'm not a big fan of that saying.  I mean what does it mean exactly anyways?  A little fear is healthy, right?  I mean, I want my kids to fear touching the hot stove or running out into the street.  I want them to fear a stranger who pulls up and offers them a ride.   Our parents help teach us those fears, and those kind of fears help protect us and keep us safe at times.

This year has been about me trying to face some of my fears.... most of them are fears that have nothing to do with my safety and everything to do with me just worrying too much or having self doubt.  I've wanted to try paddle boarding for years, but was fearful I'd just fall off the entire time and never be able to do it.  Finally made myself do it; LOVED it!  Getting a tattoo I was so scared of regretting it or it hurting too bad, but doing it has been a beautiful reminder of my worth in God.  I've wanted to dance again for years, but have been fearful of what an idiot I'd make of myself.  Tried it.  Probably did make an idiot of myself, but who cares...loved it, and am continuing to do it.  I'm tired of talking myself out of things before even giving myself a chance.  Those fears are silly, and tackling them feels amazing and empowering, and constantly reminds me of one of my very favorite bible verses, "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."  Another big fear that wasn't quite as light hearted, was finally talking to someone about my assault...for over 20 years I couldn't even force myself to say the word rape out loud. Writing/blogging about it certainly sounded crazy.  I mean I didn't even want anyone to know, much less starting to open up about the whole process...no thank you.  Going and talking to someone about it surely was high on my list of fears if not right at the very top.  I knew it was time though, and doing it has not been easy (it takes a pep talk and lots of prayer sometimes to just get out of the car),  but it has been life-changing, and I know it will continue to be.  I have grown in my faith, my self confidence, and made connections with other people who have also experienced similar things and have reached out to me in confidence after reading about my experience. 

This past week I've been experiencing some triggers that have really made me feel full of fear and anxiousness.  No need to go into all the detail, but it kind of hit me out of nowhere it felt like, and I have been hating the way it makes me feel.  The easiest way for me to really be in tune with how much something is affecting me is through my sleep.  When I can't sleep well, have night mares, experience flash backs, or just feel in such a state of fear, I know it's more than just a passing emotion.  It's one of my first times experiencing this intense of a trigger, or at least recognizing it, and I don't like the way it makes me feel weak and not in control.  I'm leaving for a trip tomorrow though and wanted to feel in a better place mentally and spiritually and was determined to try to do so.  Amidst working today and packing tonight, I've been listening to a favorite few songs over and over.  Music speaks to my soul so deeply!  I also received some wonderful bible verses and prayer to encourage me that have really touched me and brought a better sense of peace and confidence.  For me, there really is nothing like the word of God that can have such an impact on me, and I long for everyone I know and love to be able to experience that at some point in their lives.  It certainly doesn't make everything sunshine and rainbows.  I'm still feeling uneasy and sitting here awake writing when I know my alarm will be going off in three hours, but it's the best way I know to deal with it though.  So there you have it...my weakness, my heart, and my reminder that sometimes, Fear is a Liar...