It's been quite awhile since I sat down to write. A new chapter began in my life, and although I am absolutely loving my new job as a full-time 3rd grade teacher, it has resulted in a big shift in managing my time, and most specifically finding time for anything that revolves around "me time", like this blog. Most often when I find a few minutes for myself, it involves taking a quick nap or catching up with a family member or friend. I'm working on achieving a better balance with this, but as I know from past experiences, the beginning of the school year is always extremely busy, and I'm hopeful that I'm approaching a calmer and more balanced pattern very soon!
As with most things in life though, I've learned that it's not a sprint, but yet it's a slow and steady pace. I was reminded of that this morning while teaching the bible lesson to a group of four year olds. Funny how God's sense of humor strikes like that. ;) The story was about Sarah and Abraham and how badly they wanted a family, and how much they believed in God's promise that they one day would have that family. If you know the story, you know that they did indeed have their promised family one day...but our idea of how soon that family would take place, as well as Sarah and Abraham's idea I'm sure, was much different than God's plan. His promise was absolutely fulfilled, but much patience and trusting in God took place in waiting for this promise. The five years of infertility that Mat and I experienced feel like a speck of sand compared to Sarah and Abraham's wait, that's for sure!!! The point though is that I was brought back to God's promise that I have felt in my life lately of healing this pain and fear in my heart...it's not a one stop shop. It's not a quick cure, or a one prayer and I'm good to go. It's my "thing" (we all have a "thing", right?!?) that I will most likely struggle with as a weakness, a heartache that I will continually seek Him through. But that's okay, and I'm learning that I don't have to be "fixed" or perfect or strong all the time, because I'm making progress, and I'm overcoming my fears one step at a time, on my terms and through His strength, and this journey is hard and emotional and beautiful all at the same time, but there is no time frame for which it must be completed.
In April or May, or whenever it was around that time frame that I first sought spiritual guidance and prayer in this area, my pastor recommended a resource to me. It's a book and workbook called Healing the Wounded Heart. I started reading it immediately and it was a perfect fit for me in many aspects. I highly recommend it for anyone dealing with heartache around a wide array of sexual assault or abuse issues. As I eagerly dove in though looking for encouragement and healing, I quickly realized this was going to take some work. This was no quick fix. You'd think I would have figured that out knowing that it was 20 years later that I'm actually facing this head on, but hey...I'm a slow learner, I guess. As I began reading the first section I was was warned through the book to go slow, operate with no timetable, set aside time to write about the experience, and process it in short increments rather than intense bursts. The author, Dan Allender, even prepares you to experience nausea, fitful sleep (too late for that Mr. Allender), etc....the point was GO SLOW. This really spoke to me because my most significant attempt at healing in the past and been more of an intense burst. I was ready to finally "get it over with." It was extremely emotional in almost an overwhelming way, I dedicated a decent amount of time to it, felt I made some significant progress, but then within a few months afterwards I found myself back with a lot of the same doubts and fears. Maybe I hadn't dealt with quite as much as I thought I had. So in preparing for this journey, the book suggested an essential support system (therapist, spouse, church, friends), short increments that can be sustained, and a commitment to go longer and farther than seems possible or desirable. In doing so though, I read to expect a life-giving, freeing and empowering journey, and that's exactly what I feel like I've been experiencing.
Five months later, and I am still working through this book and workbook, and in all honesty it will probably be a couple more months until I complete it. I read something though just recently that I felt could resonate with so many people in a variety of communities as we embrace each other and all of our imperfections...."This process is not going to be finished by one prayer, confession or renewal of the Spirit. It comes when the war is truly faced and fought. When the enemy is clearer and the bondage is named with appropriate grief and desire for liberation, the Spirit of the Holy God can take broken and courageous survivors of sexual abuse on the journey of their lives." Whether your story is anything like mine, or something completely different, I am telling you what a liberating journey it is when you finally let down your guard and let God really enter your heart. No timetable. No agenda. Just let Him in.
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